Brides Smoking Crack

Once upon a time, I too was a bride. No, really. With a veil and everything. Granted, that was 12 years ago. When I was 20.

Even at 20, when people said "Go register", I knew to go scan things I could afford too and things I needed. When was the next time people would buy me gifts for no reason? So I did. Towels and plates I would use everyday, a blender, a toaster, maybe a pretty frame for a wedding picture. The end.

I have recently perused a registry for a friend or two or 5 that are getting married soon....

And now I want to know what kind of amazing, delicious, delusion-inducing crack these bitches are smoking.

Are you fucking kidding me? A $200 gravy boat? A $175 place setting of china? And you want TWELVE of them? Bitch, you KNOW you eat more Sonic than the fry cooks who work there- why in the holy fuck do you need over $2 grand in china??? They would probably say Thanksgiving. *Eye roll* Whatever. Big screen TV, $1200 BBQ pit, $40 each for a bath towel???

Where is it written that because you are having a party where you wear a big white dress that you are entitled to a $400 mixer?

The other thing that contributes to my confusion is that these are all second marriages. Which is fabulous. It didn't work the first time. You are brave enough to try again. But you're supposed to be smarter! Not try to get more shit for the second time around. Bitch, I gave 10 years worth of blow jobs to the same man. THAT entitles me to $400 worth of something, but no one buys you gifts for that.

I get it. You're a pretty, pretty princess- it's your special, special day.... Again. Some more. You are doing it again and want things better and different than last time. That part I understand. Kinda. But damn. Shouldn't you have to earn this stuff? Why do we give wedding gifts anyway? Earn your shit and get anniversary presents. THAT deserves reward. You stay married 10 years? Here's your gift card for $2000. Go buy what you KNOW you need, not what you think you might need, but actually sits in a cardboard box in the back of your cupboard for 20 years. 20 years? Here's $5000 for a vacation you probably need waaaaay more than a TV or a friggin gravy boat that sits in a curio cabinet.

So here's my plan. I'm going to buy wine. Bottles of it. Because when you start coming down off the crack and back to Earth after your veil comes off, you're gonna need something to ease the headache.....