Holding Patterns

So all aspects of my life are on hold.

Like a blinking red light... Not being talked to, not being hung up on. Not taking action, not being inactive. Just kind of in limbo. Like a plane doing circles in the sky. Going no where, but not holding still.

And it's making me insane.

I have always been so...ALIVE. I do things, I feel things. But because I'm in this waiting room of life, I feel nothing. I do nothing but see myself move on auto-pilot. Get up, go to work, come home, cook dinner, play with kids, watch baseball (the ONLY thing that makes me feel anymore) go to sleep. Rinse and repeat. That's all I do.

So I wait. For more money, for more time, for someone to DO something first. It's my home life where nothing is what it looks like... It's work- where I am stuck until I get xyz years under my belt, or until after the renovation, or until I find something better...

And all the books say "Take control, only you can make it happen....Blahblahblah". That's great and all, if YOU can make it happen without money...or if YOU can make it happen with no family or if YOU can make it happen with four children who depend on you for their happiness. That is a lot of weight to carry around by itself.

So I need a book. Or some smart ass friends... To tell me how in THE HELL you find your own happy when 4 little people depend on you for theirs and those may not always coincide. How you take control and "make it happen" with no dollars, damn near no sense and without hurting people who don't want ANYTHING to happen holding you down.

Crap. I just wrote those stupid introspective blogs that I hate... Fahk.