Accosted at the Wal-Mart

Can someone tell me why I need to mentally brace myself to enter or exit Wal-Mart now?

It has become increasingly clear that I may never get to enter or exit the damn store without forming a game plan to fend off all manner of people who want my money and are pissed off that I won't give it.

From the frickin' Girl Scouts to the Salvation Army, to the religious people asking me to donate for a church or so and so's hospital bills.

DUDE! I am shopping at Wal-Mart. If I had any GD extra money to just toss away to any Joe Schmoe with a sob story would I BE HERE???

For REAL! I get that you're a Girl Scout Mom, but do you really need to pimp out your freckled face 6 year old to score 5 bucks for a boxa cookies? Do they prep those little bitches and tell them to frown and pout when you say no? What about the poor diabetics that you are KILLING by turning them into suckers for a box of Thin Mints???

And you, Austin American Statesman bastard, YES I am lying when I tell you "I already get it", but your snide little, "Are you sure?" is completely unwarranted. There is a REASON I am booking it past you at 20 miles an hour- Don't fucking ask me if you already KNOW I'm going to say no! And if you have a problem with how people treat you, how about getting a better fucking job where you don't have to annoy people outside the m.f'ing WAL-MART all day, hmmmmm???

But the most loathesome, the most terrifying of all these is that asshole who sells his Jesus inspired wood and nail driven crosses. "Don't you love Jesus?" he says. I try really hard to smile and nod litke the mindless retard he takes me for, but them he has to call at my back "See you when you come out!" Now I know that asshole is waiting for me and he has ruined my entire shopping experience. So I spend the whole time wheeling around the store wondering if Mr. Sneaky Jesus Guy has moved to another door knowing I'll try to avoid him... Does he think I KNOW that he KNOWS that I KNOW he's goign to do that so he'll stay put?! It's so much pressure!

So I go out the same door I came in and there he is "I been waiting for ya!" "Sorry- not interested!" I yell as I pedal that cart, hop up on the bar and cruise to my car praying oncoming traffic will dodge me. I think I am victorious.

Until I get home.

And realize... I have forgotton the TP.