The Juicebox Sucks

There. I said it. This post is about a month late, but really, when I save you from going to a sucky ballpark, you'll thank me.

Because I am a Sox girl, I really have no need for the Astros. Or their ballpark. Or Houston, really, but I digress... So when I found out the Sox were coming to town this year, I was excited to see my boys in another park- in my state- for more games this year! Yay me! Happily I headed off to Houston and Minute Maid Park.

The whole 'dome' thing threw me at first, but I figured I would get used to it. So I watched some BP and marveled at how, well, little the park seemed when it was covered. So I take out my ingeniously configured Sox book with already rigged ribbon on a spool and attached Sharpie. I'm out in left field, toss my line over and wait for my first bite. Just as Paps and Javy Lopez are pointing and walking over to sign, some official heads over and grabs and and tells me "Reel it in or lose it, lady." REALLY? Really, Mr. Astros Security Guy? Do you not see Jon and Javy walking this way to sign my book? GAH! So I reeled it up, and Javy and Paps laughed at me.... Dammit.

After BP and the incident with that jerk, I needed an adult beverage. So I walk and walk and walk until I find those foot tall sangrias. Just what the doctor ordered! As I am happily sipping on my drink and I find the entrance to our seats, another 'Stros security man tells me I cannot enter my seating area with alcohol. I have to finish it or throw it away.... even though, yes, they sell alcohol on that floor too.

Because we were 3 minutes from the first pitch, I tried like hell to suck that bitch down, but all I ended up doing was giving myself the worst brain freeze ever experienced by man. I still had to throw half the damn $12 drink away.

By the time I sit down, I'm already not happy, but I am about to see BASEBALL, so I don't care. I'll be fine. Let's do this. I sit down and immediately have to put my sunglasses back on even though I am inside- the glare from the sun through the glass is so bright I can barely see the field! AND had I not been blinded by that, I would have noticed I was surrounded by Astros fans. Mean ones. But I didn't notice that part...yet.

Game on. There are my boys! We are doing great. I'm the only one cheering for my guys in a 10 section radius so I am immediately branded the asshole. I'm getting booed when I stand up and clap. Then the bitch in front of me arrives. And starts talking to a guy a seat over.

And doesn't shut the fuck up for EIGHT INNINGS. Neither one of them saw one pitch, one swing, one catch. Can someone tell me why the hell you would GO to a game if you aren't even going to watch it?

Around inning 5, someone hit a double and I came out of my chair cheering. Talking Bitch leans over to the guy and loudly declares me a "Band waggoner". So I call her out on it. "Do you know the starting line up for the team you aren't watching? Their stats? No? Then shut up before you call people names."

Of course that only made it worse. She just talked louder for 2 more innings before going home.

I asked the person who came with me to go grab a couple hotdogs for us at one point during the game as well. He obliged, knowing that once I'm seated at a game, I don't move. He came back with these hotdogs covered in grilled onions and bell peppers. Wha?! Where I come from, baseball hot dogs means mustard. Maybe ketchup. Wtf is this? He tells me it's all he could find and when he asked the cashier if he he could have it without the vegetables, the guy replied, "This our signature dog. This is how they come."

No hotdog, wasted drink, no autographs, talking assholes all around me.. And I'm in a dome. With no wind, no sky, no place for the poor ball to fly to... I felt like I was watching a play about baseball instead of real baseball starring my favorite boys ever.

We won that Friday game which saved the day for me, but it was the worst game experience I have ever had. The Astros can keep their dome and craptacular hot dogs and their rules. I am SO glad the guys don't go there often- Arligton is so much more beautiful and friendly and open.

Maybe I'm old school. I like my hotdogs with mustard, my liquor in my belly-not in the trash, my players accessible and my baseball outside.