Mommy's Little Man

Allow me my Paul Reiser "Parenthood" moment, if you will...

Seriously, I have THE cutest kids on Earth. For real. And there's a reason God and my own personal body made them so friggin cute.... It's so I won't kill them.

From the 3 year old who REFUSES to actually poop in the potty as opposed to on himself, to the 12 year old who is convinced her 32 year old mother is a damn dinosaur and has no clue about anything. She rolls her eyes and slams doors and is convinced she is abused because she doesn't have a cell phone yet... In between is the 8 year old girl whose habits include habitually lying, sneaking food off and leaving the wrappers stashed around the house and screaming as if she's being beheaded at the drop of a hat. And then there is the 6 year old boy...

He is my third child but my first born boy so everything he does is pretty much new to me. I have never been a 6 year old boy so I truly don't get the obsession with dirt bikes and 4 wheelers. I don't understand how I can start the day with "Hi, Buddy, did you sleep well?" and get "Yeah, I'm hungry....could I ask Grandpa to buy me a dirt bike?"

Conversations take a turn like this all day long.

Q: "So Monkey, what do you want for dinner?"
A: "I could ride a four wheeler in the backyard, you know"

Q: "Want to go swimming today?"
A: "Jeff Gordon was 5 when he started to race go karts. I'm already 6!!!!"

Q: "Can we not talk about 4 wheelers and dirt bikes today?"
A: "If I promise to not go on sweet jumps until I'm 15, can I have a dirt bike?"

Six year old boy language is very random and very specific at the same time. And where the kid gets some of his material is questionable as well. An excerpt from a real conversation from this weekend:

Me: "Hey kiddo, I'll miss you tonight. Have fun with Daddy, okay?"
The Boy: "So I think Daddy and I should get our own monster truck."
Me: "Ummm...kay. Why?"
The Boy: "So we can ride around in it... Maybe pick up some hot chicks"
Me: "Some what?!?"
The Boy: "Hot chicks... to ride in the back"
Me: "Wha? Who?"
The Boy: "Ya know, GIRLS, Mommy? Hot chicks are girls."
Me: "So you want girls to ride in the monster truck?"
The Boy: "Yeah, hot chicks in the back."
Me: "Why do they have to ride in the back? Won't that be uncomfortable?"
The Boy: "They gotta ride in the back if me and Daddy are in the front. But I'll get 'em like a couch and a blanket and a microwave...."
Me: "Sounds like you're pimpin' your monster truck..."
The Boy: "What Mommy?"
Me: "Nothing, honey...Nothing."

So he's six and obviously thinking ahead to engines and hot chicks. Six!

I look at this boy and see the sweet face baby I so proudly marched out of the hospital with. He was swaddled in blue from the tiny baseball hat to the tiny booties. I wanted no one mistaking the fact that I- I was bringing home my son. Not that boys were preferred over girls, but after 2 beautiful pink daughters, this was a huge moment for me. I was puffed up like some Italian mafioso. -And not just from all the IV's and drugs from childbirth either. I used the word "son" like some women use the word "fiance" after just being engaged. As a new word that tingles on your tongue... a word that has a lot of meaning behind. When I said "son" what I meant was "HA!! I finally have a BOY! And we get to buy BLUE STUFF! And someday I will get to watch him play sports. And he is PERFECT and BIG and STRONG!"

And so now, this tiny boy, this sweet faced baby of mine says he wants to pick up hot chicks??? He wants to put his body (that I made!) on a four wheeler and drive it off "sweet jumps" so he can break his head (that I made too!!) open??

How do mothers do this? Girls are so much easier. Control the make make-up, keep boys away, take them shopping. Done. Slumber parties I can do. The most dangerous activity there is painting your toenails blue. Not being crushed by a dirt bike. Gah!

I am in love with this boy. Would do anything to make him happy... He is a charmer, and funny as hell and smart and precious with his little glasses and blue eyes, but if anyone sees him, tell him girls don't like dudes who have monster trucks, dirt bikes, go karts or 4 wheelers, okay?